When Time Off Isn't Enough: Reflective Dialogue and Reconnecting with Ourselves
By: Satoko Kato
Why Is it So Difficult to Rest?
Many educators dedicate themselves to supporting the learning and well-being of others. Yet many of us find it surprisingly difficult to truly rest. Even after leaving work or taking a weekend off, our minds often remain occupied. We replay conversations, think about upcoming classes, worry about unfinished tasks, or reflect on things we wish we had done differently. Over the years, I have had countless conversations with educators about learning, motivation, and professional growth. No matter where the conversation began, it often came back to the same simple struggle.
“I can’t switch off.”
“My mind never stops.”
“Even on my day off, I’m still thinking about work.”
I knew exactly what they meant because I had experienced the same thing myself. For a long time, I believed that rest simply meant taking time off. Even on weekends or holidays, my mind rarely rested. I could be sitting in a café, taking a walk, or spending time with my family, but my mind was still at work. This made me wonder. “What does it really mean to rest?” Over time, I came to realize that rest is not simply the absence of work. It is the process of reconnecting with ourselves through reflection, awareness, and meaningful dialogue.
When Disconnecting Is Not Enough
Simply taking time away from work does not necessarily help us recover from work-related stress. Many of us already know this from experience, but research helps explain why. Recovering from work-related stress requires more than being away from work. We also need to mentally disengage from work by setting aside work-related thoughts during our time off, a process known as psychological detachment (Sonnentag & Fritz, 2015).
For many educators, however, mentally disengaging from work is easier said than done. Teaching is deeply relational. We care about our students, our colleagues, and the learning experiences we create. Even after leaving work, our minds often continue planning tomorrow’s lesson, reflecting on today’s conversations, or wondering how a struggling student is doing. As Mercer and Gregersen (2020) point out, these emotional dimensions of teaching are central to educator well-being. Caring is one of our greatest strengths, but it can also make it difficult to mentally step away from work.
This helps explain why simply taking time off does not always leave us feeling rested. At the same time, it also suggests that complete detachment may not always be realistic for educators. If caring about our work is part of who we are, how can we truly rest while still caring?
A Different Way to Rest
Rest may not begin by stepping away from work. It may begin by reconnecting with ourselves. As educators, much of our daily lives are spent responding to the needs of others. We answer questions, solve problems, provide encouragement, give feedback, and support learners through challenges. It is easy to become so focused on others that we gradually stop paying attention to ourselves.
When this happens, rest becomes more than simply having free time. We may have an evening off, a free weekend, or even a vacation, yet still feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. We move from one task to the next without stopping long enough to notice how we are feeling, what matters most to us, or what we need. For a long time, I believed that what I needed was more time away from work. Gradually, however, I realized that time itself was not the issue. What I was missing were small moments to simply pause.
Sometimes, it begins with something surprisingly simple: A pause. Not a pause to solve a problem. Not a pause to become more productive. Just a pause to notice.
“How am I feeling right now?”
“What is occupying my mind?”
“What do I need at this moment?”
I have come to believe that these brief moments of awareness create space. They allow us to slow down and notice what is happening within us. Instead of constantly reacting to the demands around us, we begin to pay attention to what is happening within us.
This kind of pause does not require a long vacation or a dramatic lifestyle change. Sometimes it begins with a quiet walk, a few minutes of writing, or simply sitting quietly for a minute between two busy tasks. What matters is not the activity itself. What matters is whether it helps us return to ourselves.
The more I experienced these moments, the more I realized that they were only the beginning. Sometimes a pause is enough. At other times, we need something more.
Reflective Dialogue as a Space for Reconnection
One way of reconnecting with ourselves is through reflective dialogue. Over the years, I have learned that people do not always come to a conversation looking for answers. They do not always need advice, solutions, or action plans. More often, they need someone who will listen, ask thoughtful questions, and give them the time and space to think.
In education, reflection is often associated with evaluation or problem-solving. We think about what worked and what we should improve next time. Although this can support professional growth, it can also become another task to complete or another reason to criticize ourselves. Schön (1983) reminds us that reflection is also about making sense of our experiences.
Reflective dialogue offers a different kind of space. In the field of Advising in Language Learning, it has been described as a collaborative process that encourages people to explore their thoughts, emotions, and experiences through intentional conversation (Kato & Mynard, 2016; Tassinari & Ciekanski, 2013). Rather than searching for immediate solutions, reflective dialogue encourages awareness, understanding, and meaning-making (Kato, 2026).
One of the things I have noticed over the years is that being deeply listened to often helps us listen more carefully to ourselves. When we are deeply listened to, we often begin to understand ourselves more clearly. We notice thoughts we had not fully recognized. We acknowledge emotions we had been pushing aside. Although our circumstances may not change, the way we relate to them often does.
For educators, these conversations can be especially valuable. We spend much of our professional lives listening to others. However, we rarely have opportunities to be deeply listened to ourselves. Reflective dialogue creates a space where we can slow down, reconnect with our thoughts and emotions, and remember what matters most to us. Of course, those conversations are not always available when we need them most.
Creating Distance to Reconnect with Ourselves
What happens when those conversations are not available? I have come to believe that reflective dialogue does not end when the conversation ends. The questions we are asked, the way we are listened to, and the compassion we experience in dialogue can gradually become part of the way we relate to ourselves. Over time, we begin to ask ourselves the kinds of questions that a thoughtful listener once asked us.
When we are stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, however, this is not always easy. We replay difficult conversations, criticize ourselves, or worry about what might happen next. In those moments, it can be difficult to step back and see the situation more clearly.
One practice that has made the biggest difference for me is third-person self-talk because it helps me step back, create a little distance, and reconnect with myself. Research has shown that referring to ourselves by name or in the third person can help us gain psychological distance from difficult experiences and regulate our emotions (Kross et al., 2014).
For example, instead of asking, “Why am I so overwhelmed?” we might ask, “Why is Satoko feeling overwhelmed right now?” Instead of thinking, “I should have handled that better,” we might ask, “What would Satoko say to a colleague facing the same situation?”
At first, this way of talking to ourselves may feel unfamiliar. Yet I have found that it creates a small but meaningful pause. Instead of reacting immediately, we become curious. Instead of judging ourselves, we begin to listen.
In many ways, this inner dialogue reflects the qualities of reflective dialogue itself. We slow down. We ask questions rather than rush to answers. We try to understand rather than criticize. Gradually, the supportive voice we once encountered in reflective dialogue becomes part of our own inner voice.
Perhaps this is one of the most meaningful forms of rest. Even when no one else is there to listen, we begin to offer ourselves the same curiosity, compassion, and thoughtful questions that we once experienced in dialogue.
Perhaps Rest Begins Here
When I first started thinking about rest, I assumed the answer was simple: I needed more time away from work. Over time, I came to realize that while time away certainly matters, it is not always enough. My body could be resting while my mind continued working.
What has made the biggest difference for me is not simply having more free time. It is learning to pause, reconnect with myself, and listen to myself with greater curiosity and compassion. Sometimes it happens through the conversations I have learned to continue with myself.
As educators, we spend much of our lives listening to others. Perhaps our own well-being also depends on learning to offer that same quality of attention to ourselves. Rest is not always something we find after everything is finished. Sometimes, it begins in the middle of an ordinary day, the moment we pause and become more aware of what is happening within us.
References
Kato, S. (2026). Advising in language learning. In H. Nesi & P. Milin (Eds.), International Encyclopedia of Language and Linguistics (3rd ed., Vol. 8, pp. 697–702). Elsevier. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-323-95504-1.00222-2
Kato, S., & Mynard, J. (2016). Reflective dialogue: Advising in language learning. Routledge.
Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035173
Mercer, S., & Gregersen, T. (2020). Teacher wellbeing. Oxford University Press.
Schön, D. A. (1983). The reflective practitioner: How professionals think in action. Basic Books.
Sonnentag, S., & Fritz, C. (2015). Recovery from job stress: The stressor-detachment model as an integrative framework. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 36(S1), S72–S103. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.1924
Tassinari, M. G., & Ciekanski, M. (2013). Accessing the self in self-access learning: Emotions and feelings in language advising. Studies in Self-Access Learning Journal, 4(4), 262–280. https://doi.org/10.37237/040404
Satoko Kato (Ph.D.) is an Associate Professor at Kanda University of International Studies, Japan. An experienced learning advisor for over two decades, she specializes in advisor and teacher education centered on reflective dialogue. She has co-authored several books and notebooks on language learning and advising.