SEL from the Eyes of a High School Girl
By: Alice Kelly, with a foreword from Curtis Kelly
Curtis: I’m wondering. Is there something wrong with the way we study Social Emotional Learning? It seems almost everything in the literature, as well as in this Think Tank, is presented from a bird’s eye view of SEL: abstractions, theories, global conclusions, as we always do in the social sciences. Facts over experiences. We learn many useful things that way, but still I wonder. We know, but do we understand? I, for one, do not, as I found out last week. I often do presentations on the social brain and the need for students to connect, but I did not really understand what that meant until a few nights ago, when I was driving home with my daughter, Alice. She told me her story and I’d like to share it with you.
You see, something happened to Alice after we moved to California. Two months ago, she entered a new high school, which I will call “Oceanview High,” as a junior. Her grades, which had averaged a 3.7 last year, are dropping to Bs and Cs. My wife and I noticed four things: 1) instead of doing homework, she is using her phone way too much; 2) her motivation to study is almost zero; 3) she is taking long naps; and 4) she is not as perky and cheerful as she used to be. What went wrong? What should we do?
So, I had a conversation with Alice in the car, and it blew me away. I had no idea.
I asked why she was having so much trouble studying. What is her problem? She told me that it is not just one thing, but various things. Still, the hardest part is transferring into a new school as a junior. She told me she doesn’t have any friends.
I replied’ “You know a lot of people there and sometimes they invite you out. Aren’t they your friends?”
She said, “Well, yes, but a real friend is different. It is someone you can open up to and trust. I can’t do that with these new friends. Like, I open up to them and I ask them not to do a certain thing because it hurts me, and they’ll say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I won’t.’ But then the next day, they do the exact same thing again. It feels like a betrayal. If you can’t trust their words, you can’t trust the person.”
I said, “I see. A real friend is someone you can trust, someone you can feel safe with. Well, you’ll make real friends as the year goes along. You always do, like when we moved from Japan to Oregon. Just be patient.”
Alice said, “I know, but just your saying that shows you don’t really understand. You just don’t get it. Let me tell you about how my day goes, so that you can.” And she did. And in the process, I went from knowing to understanding.
Her life now at Oceanview High
Alice: Here is a day at my new school, Oceanview.
I’m walking to class and I see a couple people I know outside the classroom door. I say “Hi” to them and they respond with “Hi Alice!” I stop and stand with them, listening, but they are talking about something that happened last year and somebody I don’t know. Of course! They’ve been friends since kindergarten, and I have only been here two months. Now they are talking about how fun something was that I don’t know anything about. I just stand there smiling while they talk away. I am, like, invisible. I want to leave because I am uncomfortable, but that would be rude. Finally, the bell rings so, with relief, I go in. The first thing I see is this girl that hates me for some reason. I don’t know why. A miscommunication? Made-up gossip? I try not to make eye contact and sit by myself.
So, here I am in class, with no friends, a couple feet from somebody who dislikes me. I see everyone else in class sitting with their friends, having a good time. They are nice, they do talk to me, but I can’t really get into their groups. It’s not a very happy feeling being alone. This year is so much sadder and lonelier than last year.
And then, I’m working on my own. Everyone else is working together and laughing, while I’m just sitting in the corner by myself. In that situation, it’s hard to get interested in what the teacher is saying, but I try. Finally, I can go to my next class, but it is almost the same thing all over again. School is not fun at all.
Eventually, the time of day I fear the most comes: lunchtime. I don’t have anyone I can count on eating with. I’m always wondering, “Do I have to sit alone today? Would it be okay to sit with these people?” But if I did, I wouldn’t know what to say. Since no one asks me to join them, I sit alone. Then this girl comes and sits across from me. She is a girl no one else likes for some reason, so she is friendless. That is why she comes to me. A part of me is glad to have someone to sit with, but another part of me is worried. You see, there is a reason why they dislike her. Maybe she breaks promises, or spreads lies, and even though I feel sorry for her, I also feel this heavy anxiety. Everyone else is watching, and if I am friendly to her, they will hate me too. It’s really difficult. It’s not like me to be cold to anyone, but I don’t want to make myself even more isolated. In the end, I stay with that person, because I don’t have any other options, but I also know I’m, like, putting myself away from other people I could be friends with. That’s the problem being the new girl.
Finally, school is over and I wonder if there is anyone I can hang out with. Everyone is going to Starbucks or McDonald’s with their friends. I tag along with a couple girls I know but, once again, I am invisible. They talk. I listen. And finally, a boy gives them a ride home. I walk.
Her life at home
When I get home, I feel truly exhausted. It takes so much energy to put on a fake smile all day. No one knows what I really feel like. One girl even said, “Alice, you look so happy. I’m so jealous, because you have a lot of friends, and you’re, like, perfect, blah, blah, blah.” But I feel like I have no friends and I’m really lonely inside. I’m good at hiding that, but it drains me.
Emotionally exhausted, I lay down and watch TikTok. It helps me escape from my weighty reality. I see a posting by a group of girls I know, who hung out together after school. I wasn’t invited to join them at lunchtime, nor after school when they made the TikTok. That makes me feel small. But, there I am, getting into TikTok until reality comes back. My parents come into my room and yell at me for watching TikTok instead of doing homework. My short escape is over, but I’m just so tired. They take my phone away and I just want to sleep. I do, but after a while they come back again and scold me. My mom says, “Hey! Do your homework! What are you gonna do about college? Your junior year is the one you have to get good grades, but you are just lying there! Are you stupid?”
I know she is right, but I can’t find the power to study. I try, but really, I just want to look at my phone to see what is happening. Tik Tok, Instagram. Who’s with who? Who went to that party? What’s the latest trend? My dad deleted TikTok saying I’m an addict, but he doesn’t know how important it is for my life. It is not just playing. It teaches me the latest teen slang, how to do makeup, the latest fashions.
You see, a girl has to have one thing she is really good at. That’s how she gets confidence and that confidence can lead to a good social life. I’m not really good at studying, and I’m not good at sports, so my social life at school is everything. That’s why I work so hard on my looks. If you look good, and trendy, the people treat you differently. That’s why I watch TikTok so much and spend over an hour getting ready for school in the morning. It’s why I need to go to Sephora and PacSun. Looking good is all I have. And it is really more for the girls than the boys.
Well, I know study is important and I need to hit the books. I’m totally lost in U.S. History class, because it is not my history. What is a “pilgrim”? Where is New England? In England? My schoolmates learned all this in first grade, while I was learning about the Tokugawa Shogunate. So, study is important, but the hard words (it’s an AP course), the confusing names (Is Washington a person? I thought it was a place), and my other anxieties make it so hard to focus. I’m a failure and I know it – after all, my parents drill that into me—but I’m caught in this net that I can’t get out of.
I have online tutors who help, and sometimes my family, but what really helps is FaceTiming my best friend Audrey, in Oregon, and just doing homework together as if we were really side by side again. She is someone I can trust and I feel happy and safe being with her. I miss her so much.
So, that is my everyday life now. When you say, “You’ll make friends, be patient.” I feel like I am talking to someone from another planet. But you also say my situation is “pure Maslow” and I could not agree more. My big needs are to feel safe at school and to make friends, needs at the lower levels. They eclipse my higher-level need to self-actualize, which means focus on my education.
You see, that is my life at Oceanview High School in California. Now, let’s go back a year to a day at my high school at Hamilton High, in Oregon. It was totally different.
Her life at Hamilton, a year ago
(As she speaks, Alice starts smiling and her eyes sparkle.)
It’s my sophomore year. I’m running to school because I’m late. A tall girl with bleached blonde hair runs up next to me and says “Hurry Alice! You are late! AGAIN!” It’s Onyx, one of my friends! I laugh and say back, “Me? How about you?” and we rush to school together. As we hustle down the halls, at least five people say “hi” to us because we know almost everyone. I go into class, and my friends are smiling, like, “Oh my God, she’s late again!” Yeah, I know, but this teacher doesn’t take attendance. I sit with friends, and we talk and laugh as we do our schoolwork. One time, I got Onyx to go ask the teacher for a bathroom pass—only one person is allowed to go at a time—and while she was distracting him, I secretly snuck out. We went to the bathroom together and stopped by the cafeteria on the way back. Why? To get food! We’re always hungry. And that illicit food never tasted as good.
Back in class, and working on a project together, we talk about what someone wore, what some boy did, and we laugh. It makes school so fun. You’d think I’d do poorly in that class, but actually, I got an A.
At lunchtime, I meet the person I always have lunch with, Audrey, my best friend, and we go to Starbucks. We meet other people there and talk, talk, talk, talk, and talk, so much that we have to rush back to school to make it in time for math class. Audrey and I go in and while working on problems, we secretly make fun of the teacher. We laugh. He comes over and tells us to be quiet, and we really start working. We are still chuckling though, and we share Airpods while we solve problems. That teacher lets us. When class ends, we make plans about what we’ll do after school, which is to hang out and maybe make a TikTok. You might be surprised, but I got an A in that class, too, and so did Audrey. She is one of the school’s top students and gets As in everything. She is also the best teacher I have, even better than my Hamilton teachers.
And so it goes all day. I meet other friends in other classes. I hear some incredible stories. I get my work done. My day is full and fun. I am not as tired after, and I can focus more on homework… well…at least a little more. That Oregon life is the life I long for now.
My eyes open
Curtis: This was the story I heard from my daughter, Alice, and suddenly, I could understand a small part of her world. I felt like my eyes had been closed until I heard this. But now I could see. I never would have known this by just reading the literature on Social Emotional Learning. It was like suddenly seeing all the black lines of a picture colored in.
What does this mean for us as teachers? Maybe the most important thing about SEL is related to her story, which is all of our learners’ stories. We need to understand that our learners are coming into our classrooms carrying much heavier loads than just those weighty backpacks, loads that we will add more to through the class. Their loads might be a lack of confidence, a lack of friends, troubles with a romantic partner, fighting parents, who knows? But we must understand that it is there. And when a student skips class, misses homework, chats with a friend while you are talking, it is wrong to see it as an insult aimed at you, as pure laziness, or as poor morals that need to be punished. See it as the way they are desperately trying to put that heavy weight down, and that is something you might even be able to help with.
How?
Just by understanding.
Alice Kelly is a struggling high school junior heading towards greatness someday, somehow. She was born and raised in Japan, but now lives in California. She loves psychology and neuroscience.
Curtis Kelly is a beleaguered parent trying to figure it all out. Facing two teen daughters, he is likely to fail.