Insight
By: Curtis Kelly
One day, a Heian Junior College student taught me the secret of anger.
I was teaching a difficult 2nd-year college class in Japan, using a teaching method I did not have confidence in. I was explaining something to the students, when suddenly the door opened and a student walked in late. She was supposed to present her research that day, and I was nervous that she was not there at the beginning of class. That lowered my confidence even more.
Entering the room rather noisily while I was talking, she was saying loudly, “Iya da Iya da” (I hate it. I hate it.), to someone in the hall about something. For some reason, I thought she was venting about my class. I became furious. I told her that if she felt that way, she could leave. She did. She stood up and left.
Later, I pondered on why I had gotten so angry, something rare for me. I mean, ultimately, I was responsible for my anger, not she. I had read Carol Tavris’ book on anger and remembered she had written about two common reasons for anger. One is being blocked from going where you want to go, while the other is having something deep inside you hurt, such as feeling rejected, criticized, or incompetent. That latter reason was it! Suddenly, I understood that my unexpected anger came from my lack of confidence about the class. She had touched a sore spot, a weakness, one that I had been unaware of.
Then I realized how anger can be a gift. It shines a light on our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses, our unresolved hurts. It gives us a chance to see them and thus, work on them. Your anger might stem from someone touching something painful inside you, something that you might not even know is there. Anger shows you where you can grow.
Insight! I understood myself better. I called the student that night and thanked her, but that just baffled her. We had been close all year, often talking in my office, but after that incident, she never came again.
Curtis Kelly, still looking for places to grow
Curtis,
Your post reminded me not about anger, but about humor. I had been joking with students about what they were going to do during the festival, and I made a big show about surprise that any student would say study. A student came in late and I asked him, and he said study and I reacted as I had to other students. The student left the room and came back after class to say that he was offended by my comment, because he was on a scholarship and had to work hard to keep it.
He had missed the setup, and I had missed that he might not get the idea that I was joking. I’ve had that happen to me a few times, but thankfully only that time in class, at least that I know of.